


Usopp’s homemade explosives and accidental pirate porn vlog

by Ossicle



Category: One Piece
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Awkwardness, Humor, M/M, No Actual Explosives Instructions Don't Even Worry, Science, Sex Tapes, vlog style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 21:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12350850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ossicle/pseuds/Ossicle
Summary: So here we are, dear viewers. Creeping on two of the most wanted men in the New World. One of whom is drilling the other clean in half. Either of whom are fully capable of rendering us into fish bait with one hand. Is that hot? I guess. No I don't want pocket popcorn, thanks Luffy.





	Usopp’s homemade explosives and accidental pirate porn vlog

**Author's Note:**

> Weird tidbit that didn't fit the tone of my LawSan series. Set aboard the Sunny.

Heyyy I'm Usopp, welcome to my channel! Please comment, _fav,_  smASH that subscribe button if you ~heart~ the content.

Which you DO, obvs, you fuckin deviants.

You probably thought you were here for porn, cuz the title, but you're actually here for knowledge! Delinquency to go with your deviance. And today's video? _Smoke bombs._ Three parts gardening supplies to two parts baking supplies. Cook it and mold it and set it on FIRE.

Let's do it!

\---

PIRATES!

\---

First you steal the sugar.

I prefer powdered sugar for ease of measuring and mixing. And Sanji doesn't use the powdered stuff as much so he maybe won't notice it's missing from his cooking supplies. We just got to sneak into his storage room, right through the kitchen. I couldn't find Zoro to bribe for the key this time so we're also testing thisss: My newly crafted bump key.

Next video? Bump keys. BUMP KEYS and B&Es

\---

Zoro has a storage room key cuz he and Sanji hook up in there. Sucking face and bumping dick or however it is two dudes do the dudely do.

But like, in the _pantry,_ guys. GUYS. Ugh.

I once opened a tub in there, thinking it was glycerine, and it was lube. Just… a barrel of lube in the food storage room. I tasted it.

God.

\---

Frig this key is rough, should’ve filed it down more… okay gimme the hammer.

Luffy, the hammer. Dude? Are you messing with the zoom on the damn vid snail? We'll look like amateurs, fuckin stop.

\---

Hell yeah, okay, we're in. Sugar in the far corner.

Quickquick one little sack of sugar… two to be safe… three for science…

oh SHI—dude, Luffy close the door, close it, someone's coming. Who is it… Fuckshitfuck of course it's Sanji, ahhh we're dead meat we're… oh and Zoro. Okay, we'll be fine.

They're not coming over here? Oh god are they gonna like, go at it on the dining table? Aw man aw frig and we’re stuck in here.

Well don't _record it_ …

Wait, that'll drive up our views, won't it. Okay let's just get a still or…

[Banging and growling]

Eeeeesh. Yeah, no, they're actually… trying to kill each other. Which i guess is just like, foreplay? with these guys? Dudely dudes... dueling.

[Airborne furniture]

Ah, yeah, it's a bad one today. Maybe more of the classic kind of ‘killing each other’ this time. Well I guess let's just wait in here til—

H-holy shit, did he just punch him? Like, with his fist? Luffy that's some serious shit, like, Sanji never uses his fists. I know. I _know._

He _said what?_

 _Ahh_ , he punched him back! That's worse than swords what the fuck what the fuck

Okay they're gone. Outoutout go…

\---

Fwahhh. That was bad, I wonder if like… but nah. No, don’ worry, Luffy, it'll sort itself out. Or, Robin’ll sort it out. She probably already knows what's up, probably already dealing with it. Just focus on the video, we still got one more ingredient to obtain.

No, it's okay, Luffy, really. _Really_ really. This is like, their whole cycle or whatever.

Aw, Luffy…

Here, have this candy necklace from like, two Halloweens ago.

\---

Okay we're back, after a truly fucking tense oyatsu. I think Zoro is confining himself to the crow's nest.

No, I'm not worried. They've had worse fights before. I think?

…I think.

\---

Niter.

Uhhh, right. Yeah. So, niter AKA saltpeter AKA nitrate salt. Could be potassium nitrate, sodium nitrate, ammonium nitrate or any of those En-Oh-Threes. KNO3 is my favorite chemical compound, and now it's yours too.

Pick some up at a gardening store—look for stump remover or fertilizer. You want something 90% or more potassium nitrate. You might also find it as a food preservative for curing meats. It's usually all grainy so you'll have to grind it down into powder with a mortar and pestle for a better reaction.

You could make some niter yourself from cold packs or sodium-free salt but that's really dangerous and makes tons of toxic fumes so it's only for if you're super bored.

\---

Future video: if you add charcoal and sulfur to niter, you've got black powder AKA gunpowder AKA boom ;)

PIRAAATES.

\---

I had this amazing stash that I scraped off some rocks in a cave way back in Alabasta, but I used it all at uh. At New Year's.

Yeah no it was SUPPOSED to be for fireworks. Luffy. Captain. But if you recall, _someone_ thought they were candy rocks.

Yeah I guess I can see how the colorful packages would be misleading. My mistake.

And then Robin banned fireworks because eating them makes this ‘someone’ get unbelievably, unreasonably, _catastrophically_ gassy.

\---

So anyway, the chaos crew is here coordinating a raid on Nami’s supply of mikan tree fertilizer. Which is in a storage room even more difficult to get into than Sanji's, because Nami is a tightass.

And unlike Sanji’s, _no one_ gets into Nami’s tight ass. Heh.

[pan to Chopper]

O.O

\---

For this, we will need a diversion, and I happen to have these fluffy fluffy kitty ears that I’ve sewn onto Chopper's liddle hat. Wave, Chopper, you'll get us views.

Oh my god, perfect. Where’d you get the kitty TAIL? Oh my god, Chopper, so cute oh my gAWD OH MY—

\---

So we just need to drop Chopper into Nami and Robin’s path. Let's go. They're probably going down to the lawn deck soon to drink air freshener and shit-talk Boa Hancock like every afternoon.

\---

Oh man, hey, what up Trafalgar! Darth Deathdude, broody bro, looking good, looking FIERCE. Where you headed this fine day?

…Nowhere huh, that's good. That's cool.

Hey wanna say anything to our _one million_ viewers?

…No, huh.

Umm so hey, what do you think of Chopper’s new look? Check out the tail, I think it's from an actual cat.

\---

H-holy shit Trafalgar just fuckin hugged Chopper and walked away. Like, voluntarily made contact with another person. And like, full-on squish-snuggle to boot.

Luffy did you get that? No of course he didn't hug you too—you're not wearing kitty ears.

This kitty-Chopper thing is pure gold. We should have a channel just for this right?

Oh, nono, I mean, we take you seriously Chopper. Aw, Chopper, no. You're like this, brilliant, prodigy doctor, you're amazing. Yeah I know flattery doesn't make you happy.

Here, have a candy necklace, frig.

\---

Okay, continuing on… on the right we have Brook and Frankayyy. Happy hour already, gents? What are we drinking?

White Russians with cola.

\---

Franky was wearing socks AND sandals and a speedo, did you get that?

Okay there's the girls with their air freshener now. Go, Chopper, _go,_  yes! Cute bomb incoming in three, two...

[Inhuman shrieking]

Hahhh dude, direct hit.

Let's go, Luffy, phase two! Runrunrun, make tracks fuck yeah we are PIRATES

\---

_Kay be fuckin ~quiet~ super super whispers down here. The lawn deck is right right above us. You can still hear the girls freaking out, haha… sounds like Brook was inspired to provide a sound track too, perf. Can always count on a concealing cover of chaos on this ship._

_Yeah, you can really pick em, cap._

_\---_

_So we have the bump key that we can use on the deadbolt and knob lock, but there's probably also a dice trap or something, just so Nami knows that the door has been opened next time she comes in. Usually like a piece of parchment wedged in the door frame or a couple dice behind the door with specific numbers turned up…_

_Dice trap is already tripped? … Uh dunno. She probably forgot to set it._

_\---_

_Close the door. Far left aisle, yeah, the stacks way at the back, cmon. It'll be small sacks, like the sugar._

Yes, _score, there's a bunch here._

_Luffy, focus, man, what you filming…_

_Oh fuck_

_Oh FUCK_

_OH fuck oh fuck oh shit Luffy get down_

_Yeah I can see it's Trafalgar. And, and Sanji. And yes, they are fucking. There is. No doubt about it. It is very apparent that Trafalgar is vigorously nailing Sanji to the wall of Nami’s storage room yup. Yup that's—_

Hell no _we do not need a better angle on his back tattoos._

_The fuck, man, since when do you care about video quality?_

_Luffy! Luh-feee! Come back!_ Shit _… What are you doing they're gonna flay us. After Nami flays us._

_…Uh. Yeah, true_

_Okay, yes. Fine. ‘For the views,’ Captain._

_Fuckin deviant._

_\---_

[Banging and growling]

_Okay well here we are, dear viewers. Creeping on two of the most wanted men in the New World. One of whom is drilling the other clean in half. Either of whom are fully capable of rendering us into fish bait with one hand. Is that hot? I guess._

_No I don't want pocket popcorn, thanks Luffy._

_\---_

_Yeah I agree, stamina is 10/10. Technique? I dunno, kinda monotonous, right. Same position for like, 20 minutes, just all grrr and gahh. I'm over this scene honestly, I wanna make smoke bombs._

_\---_

_Nah, the biting is definitely not usually part of it. Must be a Trafalgar thing. The arm thing, depends? Oooh haha Sanji didn't like that. Yeah elbowing people in the face isn't usually part of it either._

_\---_

_No, he's probably fine, that's just how this stuff sounds. Have you seriously, like, never? Not once? Not even Boa? She was all over you man, I don't get you. The most beautiful woman in the world. I would, absolutely._

_Aw fuck, they're finishing up. I just know, okay. Fuck. Um. HIDE._

\---

So.

Yeah.

I dunno. Luffy, cut, cut. I'm not feeling it.

Well, just thinking. What about when Zoro finds out? He's gonna, sooner or later. They were fighting, like really fighting. They… maybe they broke up for good this time? But they're _nakama,_  so they can't totally give up on each other…

I hate this. Fuck.

No I don't want a candy necklace I'm a goddamn adult

\---

[Thoughtful munching]

Okay uh.

[...Thoughtful munching]

Fuck. Nothing else we can do, now that I think about it. Gotta get Robin on this. She always knows what to do. We'll just have to bribe her not to rat us out to Nami.

I dunno, girl stuff? What can strange bookish ladies even be bribed with?

\---

Okay rolling?

Hellooo deviants! Joining us we have the lovely Nico Robin, who's agreed to make an appearance on the vlog, and also to _not_ rat us out, in exchange for full unedited access to the LawSan sex tape. For the purposes of averting that whole shitstorm. So selfless!

“Indeed.”

Kay so have you worked with explosives before?

“Yes.”

…oh yeah. Yeah. Actually, do you wanna do the? And I'll?

\---

Hello I'm Nico Robin of the Strawhat Pirates. And today I'm going to impart some pearls of outlaw wisdom: How to craft a basic smoke bomb.

In true pirate fashion, we have obtained the ingredients through dastardly means and great daring—

“PIRATES YESSS” “I’M GONNA BE PIRATE KING!!”

All this recipe requires is three parts finely powdered potassium nitrate to two parts sugar. Usopp has already sifted them out and measured them by weight.

I see he has a double boiler setup too, useful for applying low amounts of indirect heat so that we can melt and caramelize the sugar without getting the mixture too close to a flame.

Because it is flammable. Very flammable. It would dearly love to become a fireball.

Have a lid ready for the pot and a great deal of water nearby, in case the thing catches fire. It is, handily enough, completely water soluble. It's not even that toxic, so you can clean up with water and use the pan again for making pancakes.

While your enemies choke on smoke.

I should also add that water is usually NOT the thing to keep on hand for kitchen fires. Or… science fires. Baking soda is the thing. It also stops some kinds of chemical burns. A little sodium bicarbonate will also help our finished product smoke more steadily and keep it from fireballing so readily… oh, we're skipping that? Your call.

Usopp, if you would. Mix the well-powdered niter and sugar together over low heat, stirring constantly with a spatula or wooden spoon. We can add liquid food coloring or a melted crayon at this point for a festive effect.

That's so lovely, it's become clear and viscous. Just delicious. You'll start getting lumps of browned sugar, just stir them smooth. Stir it stir it. Let it get to a smooth brown state something like peanut butter. Not too dark.

Remove it from the heat and pour into your mold. Add a fuse in the top, or a string soaked in lighter fluid. It will burn by itself but the fuse gets it going. Let it cool for an hour or so.

The vehicle is key to successful deployment. Toilet roll taped on one side is perfect. Poke several holes along its length so that pressure is relieved as it smokes.

Be aware that smoke bombs are little infernos. You cannot hold a lit one in your hand. It will burn a wood floor. It makes an unholy mess. If you throw it at someone it will burn through their skin.

And there are more efficient ways to do that.

Smoke bombs! Delightful.

Now _give me_ that _tape._

\---

Sup deviants, Usopp again. Testing time, fuck yeah.

Luffy, you have my lighter?

Hey did Robin give back the tape yet? Frig, man, we suffered for that footage. It's not shit I really want to witness again.

Yeah I figured you'd volunteer. Captain Creep.

And shit between Sanji and Zoro is just escalating. I hope Robin figures out what to do so we can release our escapade video. Nah, dude, the video itself won't stir shit up, that's just documentation right? How could that hurt.

Well we can always steal it back. _Pirates._

_\---_

_Oh_ my god, even better, what if we… _Luffy._ What if we use it to get Sanji and Zoro back together again? Yes!

I dunno, the details will come. We got a steamy supernova sex tape and a lot of pyrotechnics, it's our duty to do good by our nakama with all this ungodly power at our disposal.

_Duty._

_\---_

Okay yes, testing time. Which way’s the wind blowing? Well it's probably fine. Let's light it up.

Actually… let's do this proper. With like _three_ at once. More? Yeah totally. Okay, okay YES let's just do the whole batch at once haha epic

Are you rolling? Stand over there, I think the smoke’ll go like… yeah. Oh man, get a shot of me with the smoke billowing up behind, ready?

Here it comes.

\---

PIRATES! Wooo! Hahahaaa... Ahem. Kff, kaff kaff… lotta smoke, yeah

whoa fuck

WHOA FUCK

\---

[fire]

\---

Ummmm um what did Robin say to do? Lid! Ships don't have lids. Uh. Baking soda! Niter! Candy necklace!

No yOURE panICKING

\---

Water. Luffy. Water. Luffy. WATER. Luffy.

Put down the vid snail LUFFY FUCK THE SHOT THE FLOOR IS FIRE

\---

ROBIIIIIIIIIN!

**Author's Note:**

> Like hell is Robin giving back that tape, right? Half of her shitstorm prevention work is keeping those idiots from adding fuel to flame. And also that tape is probably just too good to share.


End file.
